The Egotist

‘In a self-centered circle, he goes round and round,
That he is a wonder is true;
For who but an egotist ever could be
Circumference and center, too.’  Sarah Fells
At his core, every Controller is monumentally self-centered. He is not just on an ego trip. He is on an expedition. In his mind, everyone orbits around him, as if people are his planets and he is their shining sun. What he wants he should have, simply because he wants it. He needs no other justification. Seeing himself as the center of everyone else’s universe, he is blind to the fact that anyone else’s wants or needs are more important than his own. Doggedly locked into this self-image of grand, “godlike” proportions, he may literally feel entitled to other’s worship. Source: Abuse Sanctuary
An abusive and/or controlling partner will usually show most, if not all, of the following signs, as you get past the initial love-bombing/idealisation stage of the relationship.
  • A grandiose sense of self-importance
  • A sense of entitlement
  • Impulsiveness
  • An insensitivity to others
  • A craving for admiration
  • A preoccupation with power
  • A lack of empathy
  • A judgemental, critical attitude
  • A belief that the rules don’t apply to them
  • Explosive anger when frustrated

Source: The Huffington Post

In my own personal case, looking back, both The Victim and The Superstar displayed most of the characteristics. The Victim was OBSESSED with his image. Always asking what others thought of him, telling me everyone in town knew him (he didn’t tell me most don’t actually like him!), how he was infamous for this and that, and I naively walked around with him, proud to be on his arm, at first! There were a few occasions where he seemed to display an insensitivity for others, including when my friend’s beloved cat went missing for a few days. The Victim made inappropriate jokes until I was embarrassed, but I always put it down to it just being his sense of humour. He never showed any empathy for anyone, unless it was fake and he was trying to impress somebody who didn’t really know him. One time, his best friend phoned us while we were at a party, distraught over boyfriend trouble. I said we’d leave the party straight away and go see her, but The Victim really didn’t want to go. When we got there, it was I who sat hugging and comforting her while he sat, aloof, across the room. I don’t know how he got away with it.

The Superstar only ever spoke about himself too. It was only after the brief encounter with him ended, I realised that he knew nothing about me. I wasn’t allowed to talk about me, but I had sat for hours listening to all of his problems. Because of my previous relationship with The Victim, I had tried to ‘vet’ The Superstar, but only found one person who knew him at all. I was told he was a really nice guy (obviously doesn’t know him well) and he too was preoccupied with his image and what people thought of him. Disordered individuals want others to see them as all-powerful, but the hidden truth is that they often have low self-esteem. They’re easily bruised by criticism and howl at the moon in retaliation when they think they’ve been wronged. They’re so addicted to admiration that they get high on their own hype.

Both were obsessed with the truth not coming out. After every argument/attack, The Victim used to say to me how he couldn’t walk around town with everyone looking at him thinking he is a wife-beater. I used to feel so sorry for him!!!!!! Although it doesn’t seem to bother him as much these days;-).

The mood swings/anger shocked me in both. Disordered individuals love drama and revel in chaos. They’re easily agitated when frustrated. Being on the receiving end of an abuser’s diatribe is like being engulfed in an insane, hyper-emotional ride where spewing sheets of scalding lava alternate with warm, soothing baths of emotional saccharine. Life itself will have become a series of whipsawing emotional extremes, between his clinging adoration and hateful spite. The hallmark of this pattern is that “just when things seem to be going well,” and he is treating you best, he suddenly turns into a perverse version of Air Jordan and you’re the ball. Slam-dunked would be a mild way of describing the receiving end of this intensely emotional pounding.

He was just treating you like a goddess. He was being so sweet and attentive. Maybe he was even telling you how wonderful you are. Then, in the sudden twinkling of a diabolical eye, he’s treating you like you’ve become a “bitch-on-wheels.” And you don’t know why.

He accuses you of everything from insincerity to infidelity, and your mind scrambles to discover what you just said or did that’s setting him off. He keeps saying it’s you, and is so intensely convinced that it is you that it’s hard not to believe him. Later, after his firestorm of vindictiveness has died down, you might realize what triggered him. You did not respond “right” to his compliments, or scratched your nose in the midst of his adoration, or maybe you just burnt the toast that morning or were two-minutes late coming home from the office. Maybe, like in my case, forgot to buy his cigarettes the night before, or pulled over at the ‘wrong’ place on a country road? Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. There will always be something – apparently innocuous to you – which will abruptly stoke his raging fire again. And again and again, round and around, until your spirit and soul are finally ground into fine, despondent grains of charred debris, and your mind eventually looks like a Tokyo china-shop after a 9.0 earthquake.

Maybe he never physically beats you. Or maybe he does. Or maybe he never will. But you never know. He is stunningly impulsive and unpredictable. But he always assaults you emotionally, ripping into every fiber of your being with verbal vindictive, threats and accusations. Source: Abuse Sanctuary

I have always said that for me personally, the emotional abuse far outweighed the physical abuse. I have physical scars that will fade, but the breakdown I experienced after leaving The Victim was the worst thing I have been through yet. The venom coming from the lips of the man I adored, who I could not do enough for, over and over, when I had done nothing wrong? Finding out everything he ever told me was a complete lie, and that he had abused my daughters and taken them with him to stalk his exes. It was far worse.

By the time I met The Superstar, who called me a cock, for saying I didn’t really want to go to a festival with him as I hadn’t heard from him in two weeks, and he had told me he had tried to give my ticket away without success, so I ‘may as well go’, called me abusive names and again tried to twist all of his mental behaviour onto me, I was well-prepared for it. I sent him a note at the end of the relationship apologising for my part in the drama. I had ranted at him, and I was difficult to be with, as I was drinking too much at that time, and had too much baggage. But when I read the note back recently, one paragraph is almost IDENTICAL to an email I still have that I wrote The Victim; both explaining that I am NOT a c*nt, I am not crazy, or mad, or a witch or a freak. The Superstar once promised in front of his friends that the name-calling wouldn’t happen again. It did. I always told The Victim I felt like an emotional punchbag.

Both of them only ever sent me photos of themselves. Never asking for one of me. Is that normal?

I recently texted The Superstar by mistake. An innocent text about work that was very obviously meant for The Most Wonderful Man. I got one back ‘Please don’t cause any trouble. I’ve had enough. I won’t be coming round. Forget me’.

How’s that for ego?